July 14 Lifestyle

MY JOURNEY TO LOVE

Hello, my lovely babes!

I am so excited to finally be sharing the story that you have all been asking for: my journey to love and how Aaron and I met! I am sorry that this took me some time to to write. Discussing my difficult road to finding love, and then on the other end of the spectrum, discussing my one true love, are both such sentimental and vulnerable subjects, good and bad.  I have been drafting notes for this article for a month and marinating in my feelings, in hopes of bringing you my most heartfelt and honest post to date. I hope my story inspires you in countless ways, no matter which stage of your journey you’re in. Please leave me a comment under my instagram photo to tell me what you think. Grab a cocktail and let’s begin.

If you add up the amount of time I have been single during my 32 years of life, it has been about 4 years collectively (if that). That is no time at all. I was always the girl who had a boyfriend, always the girl who people thought would be married first, and always the girl who people thought would have babies first. But, “Hi, my name is Lindsi, I am 31, single, and are you my husband?” This was me a year ago. If we had a crystal ball…

As if I had an addiction where I needed to stay anonymous, talking to people about being single at my age was the most uncomfortable feeling in the world. No, like, so uncomfortable that I would rather be in stirrups at my gynecologist, spread eagle with a clamp up my vagina. I never understood why it was so taboo to be single in my 30’s. I always felt like people outside my closest friends were probably thinking, “what is wrong with Lindsi Lane that she can’t lock down a guy?” Well, why is it such a bad thing that any woman doesn’t want to settle? We’re f*ucking fabulous and fabulosity doesn’t settle. Repeat. I also never understood why my journey to love was taking me on such a stressful, lengthy ride. I am a good person who deserves love, but I don’t deserve this. Why was love so hard for me to find?

If I was going to speak about each ex I ever had, we’d need days upon months, and cocktails upon pizza boxes and more booze to get through it, so I’ll tighten it up. Let’s discuss the bad boys. Throughout the years, I dated all types of men who I know a lot of amazing women have dated too: the mama’s boy, the asshole, the egoist, the narcissist, the sociopath, the control freak, the jealous, the pushy, the liar, and the baby. Like, wtf? I have been mentally abused, emotionally abused, broken down to my core into little tiny pieces, all while not being able to express what was happening with anyone. I was a shell of myself at points and friends noticed my change, losing all my love and light that I so naturally love to give. After a break up occurred, I would die inside and as a person for a few months and come back from the dead stronger than ever. Unlike many, who may harbor these feelings and allow those nasty behaviors to affect every relationship they have, I never let others dull my personal sparkle as I went on in my life. I always knew I was a good person, a good girl, and I had the most amazing family and friends. I surely didn’t deserve that treatment. I do not feel any shame or embarrassment in telling you this shocking news. In fact, I feel inspired and like it’s my duty to tell you so that you don’t feel alone if you have ever been in a similar situation. I know, it must be hard to imagine me going through this. I am strong. I am confident. I am smart. But anyone can slip into a relationship like this and it is scary how quickly the quicksand sure does sink. I have done tons of research on this behavior and beyond and you MUST beware of the man who constantly puts you down and makes you feel so much guilt about absolutely nothing. They pray on strong, confident, secure women who they will never be half of so stay away, my beautiful souls. On a happier note, I have also dated some great guys; guys who showed me what I deserve and that the entire acceptance of another human being does exist. That the “genuine guy” is out there, that he is real, that he is looking for you too.

Four years ago on June 29, 2014, to be exact, I was casually seeing this great guy. Let’s call him E. One night E suggested that we have a fun night out where we should get our friends together for a good time. I gathered some friends and met E at The Jane-one of my favs and it never gets old because the music is killer. It always gets rowdy in there, but this night it was WILD! As I was dancing on the couch (because I love me a couch dance), my eyes locked in on a handsome guy walking across the room. I didn’t think anything of it because I was with E so I kept on dancing. About one minute later, I turned around to find this handsome stranger giving E a man hug and pour himself a drink. Aaron. Being the extra friendly person I am (I can literally befriend a wall), I left my dancing spot to say hello. “Hi! I’m Lindsi! Are you single? I can set you up with someone if you like!” Aaron and I now laugh at this story because my personality is “SO THAT”. SO LINDSI. We went on to have a short, casual conversation. Aaron knew I was with E and would never step into that territory that night, but we became Facebook friends on the spot so I could ‘set him up’. I pulled him onto my dance couch and we all had a fun, friendly night out. E and I fizzled out after that night and I received a text from him a few weeks after our Jane night out. He asked if I wanted to be set up with his buddy, Aaron; that he thinks we “might hit it off”. I didn’t respond to E about Aaron, which is so awful of me, I know, but it just felt too close for comfort at that given time and I was dealing with a lot of personal stuff which required me to “do me”. I still have E’s text sitting in my phone. I never saw Aaron again for two years.

Two years ago, I found myself in my first therapy session over the worst breakup of my life. Not because this guy was anything special, but because of what he did to me. I needed to heal and speak to a neutral voice who would allow me to be my most vulnerable self without knowing any outside parties. I needed to zen the f*uck out. After a few months, I was back on the dating scene and feeling confident to date, but also knew I was not quite “cured” from my previous situation. My friends introduced me to some dating apps and I started swiping away. Wow, this is easy and convenient! I could sit at home in my retainer, face mask, and scrunchie and get a hot date? Score! I have to say I met a lot of great men on the apps, mostly Bumble. I was on and off the app for months at a time because there were days it made me feel good and days it made me feel bad, like ‘what the hell am I doing’? One night I was bored in bed and decided to go on Bumble for the first time in three months. Are you ready for this? When I opened the app, Aaron was the first guy to pop up. I sat up in a jolt with a huge smile on my face. It’s Aaron. His profile was impressive and he was handsome as ever. I mean, who has a smile and hair like that!? More importantly, he was smiling in every photo, not like those deuschy guys who have modeling photos up and pictures of themselves on private planes. Like I could care less, loser. I instantly screenshot every photo he had in case we didn’t match. We didn’t. What a bummer. I was upset, but you never know if someone hasn’t seen you yet. For the next 24 hours, I anxiously waited for a match. As I was at lunch with a girlfriend, my app alert went off and A and I matched. I wasted no time to write him since I knew he was active. On Bumble, you write guys first. “I know you ;).” Aaron responded right away, “Classic setting. Music flowing. Giant disco ball spinning. Dancing on tables. Tragically the one & only encounter.” He. Was. Smooth. I gushed at our back and forth and then A wasted no time. Within ten minutes he had my number, within an hour after that he planned our first date, and two nights later we hit it off. I am staring at a screenshot of our Bumble conversation as I write this. The rest is history. Ladies, moral of the story: give people chances and go out with as many great men as you can! You never know if they have friends who they think you would be a better match for or who you can meet through people these days. It happened to me! E is an amazing guy and still to this day, one of Aaron’s best friends. Sorry, ladies, E is taken!

In the third paragraph, I asked myself a question, “Why was love so hard for me to find?”, and I finally found my simple answer. That answer is, Aaron. Even the most painful times with others seem like the best ones, because they led me right into Aaron’s arms. A says that he knew I was “the one’ the moment he laid eyes on me, but I had a much harder time. When he and I talk about our story, he calls me the “Ice Queen” (haha)! I was having trouble opening up and could only smile when he’d say something nice to me. I was protecting my heart and scared of being hurt again, something I was never really scared of before. Since I was dealing with that awful breakup as I was dating A at the same time, it took me longer to come around with my feelings than he for me. Aaron was never pushy with me, never insecure, and never asked questions about my personal pain. He let me come to love him on my own timeline and stuck by me when I didn’t give him the emotional connection he so badly deserved. Not too long after, I fell head over heels in love with Aaron. In the end, I couldn’t resist the fact that this charming, lovely, kindhearted man was indeed everything he promised me that he was. He also always promised me that he would never hurt me and he didn’t and he never has. In fact, to this day, Aaron has never made me cry one sad tear. Only tears of joy.

Aaron and I will be married next Spring in NYC. I can’t wait to share our happiness and continued love story with you.

To read all of my numerous, humorous articles on dating and relationships, click here.

So much love,

Lindsi

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